Singlehood

            Single by choice. That is where I am right now. A lot of people asked me about boyfriends and relationships. Well, my answer is I want to stay single right now. 

            It is very a very perplexing answer to most people. It is very much against today’s norm. In Campbellsville, it is not-at-all surprising to find college students married. While in Malaysia, the average age of marriage is much later. However, being in a relationship is seemed as a rite of passage. 

            I had a very different view about relationship after I become a Christian. I want to pursue the relationship that God had planned for me rather than according to the ways I would plan for them to happen. 

            I learned a lot about relationship from The Edge Summer Project. I learned how to pray for a future husband. I learned how to open up my heart to God and share what my expectations are. It is not wrong to make a list of how you imagine your future husband. 

This is my list:

Egalitarian view on gender issues, vocalize his love to me and children, pray for and with children, provider (not merely financially, but also mentally and spiritually), be active on prayer/worship/bible study in the family

            Of course I would share those responsibilities as well but these are some simple things that I ask God for. The main lesson about relationship that I learned was to maintain a good balance between desiring for a relationship and looking forward to that relationship. 

           “Your goal shouldn’t be to get your way, but to remain stable no matter what comes your way.” Joyce Meyer. 

            After Summer Project, my last semester in college started. A friend of mine is facing some struggles on relationship; I had a chance to share my new found view on relationship with her. I understand how hard it is to stay discipline and obey God for His ways when it comes to relationships.

            But my personal walk with God convinced me that I can never live without Jesus. I much rather be hurt than hurting my Lord. However, I do not felt equipped to advice her on such issues. So I started reading about singlehood, relationship, and its biblical views.

            It doesn’t take a Christian to tell you that Christian beliefs are against pre-marital sex. What about other prospects of relationship? Well, I started reading several books. 

            ‘Singlehood and priesthood’-The book has really good parts on singlehood. But when it gets to advising pastors how to talk to others about relationship, it presumes all pastors are male. That part of the advice is useless to me. However, the book did a really good job in explaining the types of singlehood (divorced, widowed, single by choice, single by default). 

            ‘I kissed dating goodbye’-This is a great book that deals with the argument of courtship vs. casual dating. I learned a lot from this book. I definitely recommend it to those who have questions on healthy romantic relationships.

            After my own study, I gathered some quotes to share with her. That is as far as I can do to share my views. Throughout this experience, I am more convinced that I am single by choice. 

            I had the first hand experience of how much hurt it is to see a faithful follower of Christ follow her heart’s desire rather than obeying God’s discipline life for the sake of a ‘soul mate’. I understand the fear of losing someone who loves you. I understand the feeling of falling in love and having to let go. 

            Because of this experience, I thank God for putting me in a bystander position that allows me to have a feel of His hurt. I see how much it is a challenge to God when we hold on to the present and refusing a better future that God has already written for us. I can smell the stubbornness of human will to enjoy freedom and refuse to set up guidelines to honor and glorify God. 

            I am convinced that I want to stay single to stretch out my time to grow, learn, and serve. It is a very different life when you’re single, in a relationship, or have your own family. You have different responsibilities, time, and lifestyle. A single person has much more time to serve people and learn from God. 

             However, in the world that condemns singlehood and glorify marriage, the desire of relationship will be a great challenge for Christians. I want to share my lesson on singlehood and relationship from God. I chose to stay single at this time because I don’t really know where I’ll be in a year’s time. 

            It is highly irresponsible and selfish to be in a relationship with someone else without having the promise that you will stay with him/her. Or even starting a relationship with someone else expecting him/her to face the challenge of distance with you. Romantic relationship is defined as pre-marriage getting-to-know another person to me, it is ok if it does not work out. 

            However, if I do not enter a relationship without the slightliest expectation of the person being my legal spouse, I personally cannot accept it. Since I am single by choice now, I am learning and growing as much as I can. I do not oppose to going out with someone to get to know them better as friend, but until I know what God plan for my life it would be too self-centered to start a relationship. 

            These are my views on relationship especially singlehood. I would love to share some quotes with you. Tell me what your thoughts on relationship and singlehood are! 

             Intimacy comes when you quit running from the truth about yourself and decide to turn loose… And walk into the future with Me.

            Many Christian people who idolize marriage view singlehood with condescension.

International Bible Study

            I attended bible study for international students my first semester in Campbellsville University. I watched a clip from Passion of Christ at the bible study. The leader, Brittany, was crying. I was comforting her, but she said it was tears of joy. I was perplexed yet kind of understand why she said that.

            Summer 2011, God set our relationship straight. When I return to campus in Fall 2011, international bible study is no longer here. I started to pray for it, pray that it will revive for the needs of international students to hear the Gospel. 

            CampbellsvilleUniversity, in the middle of Kentucky, a small town, small college. 3,500 students with 350 of them being international students. Literally, 1 in 10 students is not from America. Most of them never heard of the name Jesus Christ, do not know any Christian in their lives, have no interest in knowing a God who loves them! Tell me you are just going to sit around and reject your calling as a laborer. Matthew 28:19-20 is a lifelong application for Christians wherever you are! Be the light, don’t just consume it!

            I was filled with this eager and hunger to share my experience with my fellow international students. But I don’t know how. Fall 2011. I missed the first week of class and I had a huge shock after being institutionalized (a long story which I will write about in the future). 

            BridgesInternational is a Cru ministry geared to reach international students. Being a Southern Baptist college, Campbellsville University has her own Baptist Campus Ministry (BCM-http://www.campbellsville.edu/baptist-campus-ministries). We have occasional visits from Cru staffs to disciple one or two students who are involved with Cru, BCM, or just campus ministry in general.

            The first day of the Bridges International intern came to Campbellsville University to seek opportunity to grow international ministry for our college. Lauren Fowler and I met. She became my mentor and discipler. It is no coincidence. Like I explained the purpose of my blog, it is miracle. God has His plan from the beginning.

            If I did not have the hunger for international bible studies and reaching out to international students in Fall 2011, a week after I missed class; if God did not put Lauren, from Florida, in Kentucky and grabbed her attention from China; if Lauren did not meet me as the first person and talked to me for hours; if I did not pour out my gut and all of my life story (especially my summer and why I missed class); things will not be the same. 

            If that did not happen, my dream and prayers will not come true. Thanks to Lauren, I went Vision 2011 (international student conference) and Summer Project. Vision fueled me with more passion for international students. Summer Project equipped me to teach the bible and convinced me that I am a leader in God’s eye. 

            Coming back from Summer Project (SP), I was depressed but soon encouraged by my fellow SP family. I found the courage and God’s approval to revive international bible study. Contacted a few servant friends and be faithful in prayers.

            God provided abundance and more. We have (several junior and senior students) leaders to start with. Then a freshman who chose to come to Campbellsville University because I was so enthusiastic in giving her campus tour brought along a few of her new freshman friends. 

            That became our group; we only have 2 or more international students on average that attend. But they were Faithful, Available, Teachable (FAT-google the abbreviation and read about it.). The questions that they asked were so challenging, I can see the old me in them. 

            I might not have personally witness any conversions myself in Campbellsville University. But I have heard stories about them, I have worked on some of their hearts, and I have faith in God’s promise even though no huge miracle is happening. 

            I have not been perfect this whole time while God made my dream comes true, I have not been praying daily about it, I slack off , but He knows my heart. He made my dreams come true in my last semester in Campbellsville University. Do I need more evidence to convince myself that God loves me and cares for my desires? 

Do you? Ask Him.

Matthew 7:7 (KJV) “Ask, and it shall be given you; seek, and ye shall find; knock, and it shall be opened unto you”

 

Reminder: When you pursue God, He will also fulfill the desires of your heart. This is my story when I pursue God and focus on my own growth, God did not forget my desire for international bible study in Campbellsville University. Make your own story, daily. Our international bible study Facebook group, contact us, join us if you're interested.

How Much Do I Hate Crying?

            I still remember til this day. It was when TV dramas in Malaysia are still in Cantonese. I can even remember the actress. The scene was her death on the wheelchair; it involves relatives and direct families. Deaths always make me tear up.

            That day I was only about 6 years old. I hold my tears in. I stood up with a poker face or more like a face that shows toughness and that-was-nothing. I walked into the bathroom and tears came down my face. I wash my face really quickly to make sure no one notices. Return to the room where my parents and I were watching TV late night (for a 6-year-old), pretend that I just used the bathroom and never cried.

            What walls and self-defense that I was putting up as a 6-year-old? Why would I have to toughen up for a TV drama? I will never know because I never remember a lot about my childhood and brought up. I have bits and pieces everywhere on a scattered timeline. My memory plays a huge part of my testimony that I will write about some other day. But as far as I remember, I hated crying, very much. 

            If you know me when I am in America, you have probably seen me cry a few times. Especially during Oasis (Campbellsville University BCM weekly worship event), conferences, Summer Project, or while we watch movies! 

            First time that I went to church and worship services, I would cry very hard and loud and full of teary snot all over my face. If that was not the Holy Spirit, I was crazy. Every single time? Really? When I accepted Christ in my heart, alone in my dorm room, I wept so badly. And God gave me my calling, PEOPLE. 

            My point is, I hated crying and try every way to prevent crying in front of anyone. My first love, I have never cried for him. Well, I did. When I forced myself to cry for the lost and I got several tear drops from it. I did the most stupid and silly mistake and hurt him (and me) very badly. I regretted that I never told him I love him and he meant a lot to me. 

            Even though I made up my regret later on; we were communicating with each other by writing on cell phone, we couldn’t talk because we and all our friends are sleeping in the room for our annual gathering. He rejected my love and I found out that is because his heart no longer belongs to me. 

            I did not cry. I was full of pain on the inside that no one knows. I was mad at myself for being a coward. For letting this love of ours slip away without confronting him nor confessing my own feelings. But I did not cry. I kept everything to myself. 

           Deaths. I do cry in public when I cannot held it in no more. But the rest of the pain, I kept it for the darkness. The pain, fear, and sadness are meant to be secrets that I kept. Emotions that I keep behind my clown mask. 

            I will pick up this topic again sometime later. Keep reading and there will be part two of this topic. Don't forget to drop your comments and your story! Say hi and thanks for stopping by!

Gender

            Today I learned something. I know it sounds really cliché to start this post. But I learned an important lesson. 

            I see myself as an egalitarian on the issues of gender. I am not saying or agreeing that females are superior or like Beyonce said ‘Who runs the world? Girls’. Rather I support for an equal ground for both men and women to show their abilities.

            Of course I do acknowledge the unique characteristics that only male or female own cannot be replaced or compared. However, I believe that both male and female can share responsibilities and traditional gender roles can be switched or exchanged. 

            To conclude my view, I believe in gifts over gender (male or female).

            From my struggle with being fit into my gender (girl=feminine) to my Gender Studies class experience, I thought I’m done with battling on the issue of gender. 

Little commercial break for Gender Studies class by Dr. Susan Howell. It’s a great class to explore your personal gender beliefs, the society’s gendered message, and very well resourced class. Just remember to keep an open mind and be ready for critical comments.

An article by her published in Christians for Biblical Equality (CBE): Breaking The Rules.

Here's one by her husband: Egalitarian Journey.

            I have been thinking about singing worship songs such as ‘Beloved’ and ‘By Your Side’ by Tenth Avenue North. These songs contains message such as ‘You will drink of my lips and you’ll taste new life’. I wanted to sing them but I worried.

            I was concern if people who listen to them will get the message of Jesus’ redemption for their lives. After all, the singers are male and I am a female. I do not want the listeners to hear a song but to hear the gospel.

            It was a huge battle for me as I really want to share the message of the songs yet afraid that I will receive comments on how I shouldn’t sing the songs. 

            I’ve been working on some song writings and practicing my guitar. Today I was practicing some songs that I bookmarked on my iPhone. I cannot remember how the song ‘Come To Me’ goes so I looked it up on YouTube. 

            Then I realized and remembered something that I had learned a long time ago. 

Genesis 5:1-2 (NLT) “This is the written account of the descendants of Adam. When God created human beings, he made them to be like himself. He created them male and female, and he blessed them and called them “human”.”

            One of the lessons we had in Gender Studies is both masculine and feminine features are present in God. For example, God is discipline as well as compassionate. How can I forget such an important lesson?

            I was too caught up with the society’s judgment on gender and their ‘appropriate roles’. I was too caught up with the ‘should and shouldn’t’ and the ‘dos and don’ts’. I have forgotten that I too can sing God’s message regardless that I am a female. 

Exodus 3:14-15 (NIV) “God said to Moses, “I am who I am.[a] This is what you are to say to the Israelites: ‘I am has sent me to you.’” God also said to Moses, “Say to the Israelites, ‘The Lord,[b] the God of your fathers—the God of Abraham, the God of Isaac and the God of Jacob—has sent me to you.’

“This is my name forever,

    the name you shall call me

    from generation to generation.”

 What are your thoughts on this? 

Here is the YouTube video: Come To Me by Bethel Music