Serving Two Masters

     I have been struggling with this thought for a long time. I felt like I have been serving two masters. I have my current work commitment to afford my living cost as well as commitment to raise my full support goal for ministry (internship).

Matthew 6:24 (NLT): "No one can serve two masters. For you will hate one and love the other; you will be devoted to one and despise the other. You cannot serve both God and money."

      I put in all my effort in both commitment. It is emotionally draining and physically tiring at the same time. I felt that I have two lives except I'm living them at the same time.

     A lot of times I wish I can focus on raising my own salary and finish my goal then leave for ministry right away. I am not exactly wishing my life away but I definitely am dreading for the next day.

     I truly enjoy working at the psychiatric hospital. The hope that I am making a little change in someone else's life motivates me to continue working. However, I wish I do not have to work in such environment.

     I am excited to raise my own salary as that means I am one step closer to campus ministry. Yet, I was so afraid that I am not going to make it in time with my current condition. I am very far behind from my goal and also very slow on the schedule of support raising.

     Right now I am giving all I have on both commitments. I need encouragement and prayers to keep going. I need hope and reassurance that I will successfully transition into international students ministry.

     I also know that I am not serving two masters. It is an illusion. I am not straying away from my calling because my job is not to spread the gospel. I am still living my life after Christ. Therefore, I am serving the same master.

     To those who are working in fields outside of vocational ministry, my prayers are with you. It is definitely challenging to live Christ-like at environment that is opposite of it.

     If you are reading this, please share some encouragement and prayer requests!

Side note: If I know you personally, expect to hear from me. I will be contacting you to speak about my ministry and inviting you to be my ministry partner! It takes ministry partners to commit financially and through prayers for ministry to be successful. Please be in prayer about how you should be giving to God's kingdom based on what He's provided for you.
Or simply go to https://give.cru.org/0742838. Thank you for your prayers and support!

Christian Is Not Connotation For Perfection

     Update after a long while. There has been a lot of changes within the last year. Graduation, moving, getting a job, having no jobs to multiple jobs, and etc.

     Applying internship for international students ministry position, working two part times, switched to full time position and drop the other part time job, raising my own salary for internship. That was my life in the past four months. I do not know how I survived but I sure did it with 24 hours each day. There never seem to be enough hours in each day and endless tasks to be done.

     Right now I'm in, yet, another crossroads of my life. I feel like I am serving two masters. I am committed to my full time job at the psychiatric hospital as well as preparing for my internship. Time is a true struggle to raise my full salary before internship starts. Sometimes, I would choose which 'job' that I prefer the moment I wake up.

     Last week, I learned a very tough lesson.

     A co-worker of mine confronted me (in a good way) about my behavior at work. It was a moment of truth about myself. I get to see and discover my own bad habit at work.

     I was intimidated, I was quick to defend myself, I was doing what I thought I never would have do. I was talking about someone behind his/her back. I was defending myself by rudely sharing my own reasoning while the co-worker was talking. I was intimidated by the idea that I did something against my own beliefs.

     I had always seen myself as a straightforward person. At least, I try to be conscious about it. I try to be true with my feelings towards others.

     Working at a psychiatric hospital, I try to learn as quick as I can to do my job. I was trying so hard to be strong. I was picking up bad habits, the wrong mindset. I was hurting someone else to make myself strong. I was trying to convince myself and others that I am 'good enough' for the job. I was trying to fool myself to think that I am better at my job compare to when I started.

     It was a very hard lesson for me because I was forced to look at myself. Looking at yourself in the darkest corner betraying your own beliefs is scary. I was so scared that I try to defend and ignore. I was too afraid to confess my own sins. I could not believe that I did something I thought I would never do. My own character was broken at that moment.

     Though it was a hard truth to be swollen going home that day from work, God has His own plan of restoration. I was at rock bottom heading home. I was needing accountability partner at work. I was reflecting to myself of how to be a better co-worker. Reminding myself to keep things to myself at work. Most importantly, how to have compassion for my colleagues as well as the patients.

     As I was playing back things I have done and things I could have done, I did not feel any better. So on my way home, I started conversation with the cab driver. We have been talking about Christianity for awhile. Therefore I decided to distract myself by checking with him about his curiosity.

     At the end of the trip, I was so excited from explaining to him about Jesus being God and God's son. I thank God so much when I stepped in my apartment. I was so caught up by my own mistakes than asking for His forgiveness and comfort. I thank God for the lesson and courage that He gave me.

     The next day, I woke up feeling absolutely horrible. It was still hurting and bothering me. I was worried about how am I representing Christ. What would people think about me when they know that I'm a Christian. Am I bringing a bad name to the Christians. At times I could not believe that I back stabbed someone else.

     In relations to going into ministry, Do I still fit? What would people think of me? Would they still have trust in me? Should I change my mind now?

     Then I realized, what's haunting me is not that am I a good person. I'll never be perfect, I know that. But the constant replay of memories reminds me the hurt that I caused. It also inflicted the pain of seeing myself making defenses of my mistakes. The fear of unforgiveness never seems to go away.

     I had learned some very important life lessons that can be concluded by the title of this post: Christian is not connotation for Perfection.

     I am young. I make mistakes. But I will learn from them.
     I can apologize for my mistakes. But that does not promise that I will get forgiveness.
     I can make amends for my wrongs. But I cannot take away the past.

Taking A Break

          I moved from Campbellsville to Louisville recently. After two years in Campbellsville, Louisville had some culture shock on me. But it felt close to home when I hear the noises of airplanes.

          I am taking a break from posting weekly. I have started my jobs in Louisville and recently accepted into Bridges International. I am still in the middle of transitioning to Louisville.

          Right now, I have a 'scheduled' life. Working two jobs, getting used to the area that I live in, attending two churches, and getting to know people around me.

          After the acceptance, I now have more to think about and getting ready for. Another transition. So I declare that I am taking a break from posting weekly so I can focus more on my current 'tasks'.

          I will return to posting weekly hopefully after two weeks.

p.s.: Prayers for me please, thank you.

The Joy Of Mary Magdalene

            On Easter Friday, the Louisville Chinese Christian Church was watching the last part of the series ‘Easter Experience’. 

            The saddest word is ‘hopeless’. Many may think that ‘death’ is the saddest word; but what can death compare to a living person without hope? Without hope, there is a loss of motivation. 

            A person who has an incurable disease feels hopeless, though he/she is living yet the clock is ticking. Only no one knows when the time will run out. Any person who had experience of depression or Depression patient knows how much devastation ‘hopeless’ can bring. It is the state when nothing else matters because there is no ‘hope’. Without hope, there is no beauty, happiness, or future.

            The video showed Mary Magdalene lost all hopes when she found that Jesus’ body is gone. What if someone had stolen Jesus’ body to torture or abuse him? All Mary wanted was to take good care of her teacher’s body. 

            Hopeless. Lost.

            Death is often associated with darkness. Darkness is the absence of light. While hopeless is the absence of hope. Jesus and His resurrection becomes hope that shines light into hopelessness. He became “the first of a great harvest of all who have died” (1 Corinthian 15:20, NLT). 

            When Mary Magdalene found Jesus alive, her hopeless is filled with joy that cannot be contained. In the video, it shows that Mary was running around the town and shaking everyone to tell them about Jesus.

            I have learned two important lessons from this video. 

First, this is for those who are not Christians:

If life and the goals of life is Hope, how big is hope? How big can hope be when it has limits (deadlines, warranty) and can be objectified?

Second, a self-check for Christians:

If you do not feel it in your gut to speak to someone about the gospel, maybe you need to experience the joy of knowing Jesus.

If we do not experience Jesus’ fellowship daily, how can we feel the joy? How will we have the courage to let others know that Jesus is alive?

If you are sharing the gospel, are you sharing the facts or the fellowship?

Singlehood

            Single by choice. That is where I am right now. A lot of people asked me about boyfriends and relationships. Well, my answer is I want to stay single right now. 

            It is very a very perplexing answer to most people. It is very much against today’s norm. In Campbellsville, it is not-at-all surprising to find college students married. While in Malaysia, the average age of marriage is much later. However, being in a relationship is seemed as a rite of passage. 

            I had a very different view about relationship after I become a Christian. I want to pursue the relationship that God had planned for me rather than according to the ways I would plan for them to happen. 

            I learned a lot about relationship from The Edge Summer Project. I learned how to pray for a future husband. I learned how to open up my heart to God and share what my expectations are. It is not wrong to make a list of how you imagine your future husband. 

This is my list:

Egalitarian view on gender issues, vocalize his love to me and children, pray for and with children, provider (not merely financially, but also mentally and spiritually), be active on prayer/worship/bible study in the family

            Of course I would share those responsibilities as well but these are some simple things that I ask God for. The main lesson about relationship that I learned was to maintain a good balance between desiring for a relationship and looking forward to that relationship. 

           “Your goal shouldn’t be to get your way, but to remain stable no matter what comes your way.” Joyce Meyer. 

            After Summer Project, my last semester in college started. A friend of mine is facing some struggles on relationship; I had a chance to share my new found view on relationship with her. I understand how hard it is to stay discipline and obey God for His ways when it comes to relationships.

            But my personal walk with God convinced me that I can never live without Jesus. I much rather be hurt than hurting my Lord. However, I do not felt equipped to advice her on such issues. So I started reading about singlehood, relationship, and its biblical views.

            It doesn’t take a Christian to tell you that Christian beliefs are against pre-marital sex. What about other prospects of relationship? Well, I started reading several books. 

            ‘Singlehood and priesthood’-The book has really good parts on singlehood. But when it gets to advising pastors how to talk to others about relationship, it presumes all pastors are male. That part of the advice is useless to me. However, the book did a really good job in explaining the types of singlehood (divorced, widowed, single by choice, single by default). 

            ‘I kissed dating goodbye’-This is a great book that deals with the argument of courtship vs. casual dating. I learned a lot from this book. I definitely recommend it to those who have questions on healthy romantic relationships.

            After my own study, I gathered some quotes to share with her. That is as far as I can do to share my views. Throughout this experience, I am more convinced that I am single by choice. 

            I had the first hand experience of how much hurt it is to see a faithful follower of Christ follow her heart’s desire rather than obeying God’s discipline life for the sake of a ‘soul mate’. I understand the fear of losing someone who loves you. I understand the feeling of falling in love and having to let go. 

            Because of this experience, I thank God for putting me in a bystander position that allows me to have a feel of His hurt. I see how much it is a challenge to God when we hold on to the present and refusing a better future that God has already written for us. I can smell the stubbornness of human will to enjoy freedom and refuse to set up guidelines to honor and glorify God. 

            I am convinced that I want to stay single to stretch out my time to grow, learn, and serve. It is a very different life when you’re single, in a relationship, or have your own family. You have different responsibilities, time, and lifestyle. A single person has much more time to serve people and learn from God. 

             However, in the world that condemns singlehood and glorify marriage, the desire of relationship will be a great challenge for Christians. I want to share my lesson on singlehood and relationship from God. I chose to stay single at this time because I don’t really know where I’ll be in a year’s time. 

            It is highly irresponsible and selfish to be in a relationship with someone else without having the promise that you will stay with him/her. Or even starting a relationship with someone else expecting him/her to face the challenge of distance with you. Romantic relationship is defined as pre-marriage getting-to-know another person to me, it is ok if it does not work out. 

            However, if I do not enter a relationship without the slightliest expectation of the person being my legal spouse, I personally cannot accept it. Since I am single by choice now, I am learning and growing as much as I can. I do not oppose to going out with someone to get to know them better as friend, but until I know what God plan for my life it would be too self-centered to start a relationship. 

            These are my views on relationship especially singlehood. I would love to share some quotes with you. Tell me what your thoughts on relationship and singlehood are! 

             Intimacy comes when you quit running from the truth about yourself and decide to turn loose… And walk into the future with Me.

            Many Christian people who idolize marriage view singlehood with condescension.

International Bible Study

            I attended bible study for international students my first semester in Campbellsville University. I watched a clip from Passion of Christ at the bible study. The leader, Brittany, was crying. I was comforting her, but she said it was tears of joy. I was perplexed yet kind of understand why she said that.

            Summer 2011, God set our relationship straight. When I return to campus in Fall 2011, international bible study is no longer here. I started to pray for it, pray that it will revive for the needs of international students to hear the Gospel. 

            CampbellsvilleUniversity, in the middle of Kentucky, a small town, small college. 3,500 students with 350 of them being international students. Literally, 1 in 10 students is not from America. Most of them never heard of the name Jesus Christ, do not know any Christian in their lives, have no interest in knowing a God who loves them! Tell me you are just going to sit around and reject your calling as a laborer. Matthew 28:19-20 is a lifelong application for Christians wherever you are! Be the light, don’t just consume it!

            I was filled with this eager and hunger to share my experience with my fellow international students. But I don’t know how. Fall 2011. I missed the first week of class and I had a huge shock after being institutionalized (a long story which I will write about in the future). 

            BridgesInternational is a Cru ministry geared to reach international students. Being a Southern Baptist college, Campbellsville University has her own Baptist Campus Ministry (BCM-http://www.campbellsville.edu/baptist-campus-ministries). We have occasional visits from Cru staffs to disciple one or two students who are involved with Cru, BCM, or just campus ministry in general.

            The first day of the Bridges International intern came to Campbellsville University to seek opportunity to grow international ministry for our college. Lauren Fowler and I met. She became my mentor and discipler. It is no coincidence. Like I explained the purpose of my blog, it is miracle. God has His plan from the beginning.

            If I did not have the hunger for international bible studies and reaching out to international students in Fall 2011, a week after I missed class; if God did not put Lauren, from Florida, in Kentucky and grabbed her attention from China; if Lauren did not meet me as the first person and talked to me for hours; if I did not pour out my gut and all of my life story (especially my summer and why I missed class); things will not be the same. 

            If that did not happen, my dream and prayers will not come true. Thanks to Lauren, I went Vision 2011 (international student conference) and Summer Project. Vision fueled me with more passion for international students. Summer Project equipped me to teach the bible and convinced me that I am a leader in God’s eye. 

            Coming back from Summer Project (SP), I was depressed but soon encouraged by my fellow SP family. I found the courage and God’s approval to revive international bible study. Contacted a few servant friends and be faithful in prayers.

            God provided abundance and more. We have (several junior and senior students) leaders to start with. Then a freshman who chose to come to Campbellsville University because I was so enthusiastic in giving her campus tour brought along a few of her new freshman friends. 

            That became our group; we only have 2 or more international students on average that attend. But they were Faithful, Available, Teachable (FAT-google the abbreviation and read about it.). The questions that they asked were so challenging, I can see the old me in them. 

            I might not have personally witness any conversions myself in Campbellsville University. But I have heard stories about them, I have worked on some of their hearts, and I have faith in God’s promise even though no huge miracle is happening. 

            I have not been perfect this whole time while God made my dream comes true, I have not been praying daily about it, I slack off , but He knows my heart. He made my dreams come true in my last semester in Campbellsville University. Do I need more evidence to convince myself that God loves me and cares for my desires? 

Do you? Ask Him.

Matthew 7:7 (KJV) “Ask, and it shall be given you; seek, and ye shall find; knock, and it shall be opened unto you”

 

Reminder: When you pursue God, He will also fulfill the desires of your heart. This is my story when I pursue God and focus on my own growth, God did not forget my desire for international bible study in Campbellsville University. Make your own story, daily. Our international bible study Facebook group, contact us, join us if you're interested.

How Much Do I Hate Crying?

            I still remember til this day. It was when TV dramas in Malaysia are still in Cantonese. I can even remember the actress. The scene was her death on the wheelchair; it involves relatives and direct families. Deaths always make me tear up.

            That day I was only about 6 years old. I hold my tears in. I stood up with a poker face or more like a face that shows toughness and that-was-nothing. I walked into the bathroom and tears came down my face. I wash my face really quickly to make sure no one notices. Return to the room where my parents and I were watching TV late night (for a 6-year-old), pretend that I just used the bathroom and never cried.

            What walls and self-defense that I was putting up as a 6-year-old? Why would I have to toughen up for a TV drama? I will never know because I never remember a lot about my childhood and brought up. I have bits and pieces everywhere on a scattered timeline. My memory plays a huge part of my testimony that I will write about some other day. But as far as I remember, I hated crying, very much. 

            If you know me when I am in America, you have probably seen me cry a few times. Especially during Oasis (Campbellsville University BCM weekly worship event), conferences, Summer Project, or while we watch movies! 

            First time that I went to church and worship services, I would cry very hard and loud and full of teary snot all over my face. If that was not the Holy Spirit, I was crazy. Every single time? Really? When I accepted Christ in my heart, alone in my dorm room, I wept so badly. And God gave me my calling, PEOPLE. 

            My point is, I hated crying and try every way to prevent crying in front of anyone. My first love, I have never cried for him. Well, I did. When I forced myself to cry for the lost and I got several tear drops from it. I did the most stupid and silly mistake and hurt him (and me) very badly. I regretted that I never told him I love him and he meant a lot to me. 

            Even though I made up my regret later on; we were communicating with each other by writing on cell phone, we couldn’t talk because we and all our friends are sleeping in the room for our annual gathering. He rejected my love and I found out that is because his heart no longer belongs to me. 

            I did not cry. I was full of pain on the inside that no one knows. I was mad at myself for being a coward. For letting this love of ours slip away without confronting him nor confessing my own feelings. But I did not cry. I kept everything to myself. 

           Deaths. I do cry in public when I cannot held it in no more. But the rest of the pain, I kept it for the darkness. The pain, fear, and sadness are meant to be secrets that I kept. Emotions that I keep behind my clown mask. 

            I will pick up this topic again sometime later. Keep reading and there will be part two of this topic. Don't forget to drop your comments and your story! Say hi and thanks for stopping by!