Applying internship for international students ministry position, working two part times, switched to full time position and drop the other part time job, raising my own salary for internship. That was my life in the past four months. I do not know how I survived but I sure did it with 24 hours each day. There never seem to be enough hours in each day and endless tasks to be done.
Right now I'm in, yet, another crossroads of my life. I feel like I am serving two masters. I am committed to my full time job at the psychiatric hospital as well as preparing for my internship. Time is a true struggle to raise my full salary before internship starts. Sometimes, I would choose which 'job' that I prefer the moment I wake up.
Last week, I learned a very tough lesson.
A co-worker of mine confronted me (in a good way) about my behavior at work. It was a moment of truth about myself. I get to see and discover my own bad habit at work.
I was intimidated, I was quick to defend myself, I was doing what I thought I never would have do. I was talking about someone behind his/her back. I was defending myself by rudely sharing my own reasoning while the co-worker was talking. I was intimidated by the idea that I did something against my own beliefs.
I had always seen myself as a straightforward person. At least, I try to be conscious about it. I try to be true with my feelings towards others.
Working at a psychiatric hospital, I try to learn as quick as I can to do my job. I was trying so hard to be strong. I was picking up bad habits, the wrong mindset. I was hurting someone else to make myself strong. I was trying to convince myself and others that I am 'good enough' for the job. I was trying to fool myself to think that I am better at my job compare to when I started.
It was a very hard lesson for me because I was forced to look at myself. Looking at yourself in the darkest corner betraying your own beliefs is scary. I was so scared that I try to defend and ignore. I was too afraid to confess my own sins. I could not believe that I did something I thought I would never do. My own character was broken at that moment.
Though it was a hard truth to be swollen going home that day from work, God has His own plan of restoration. I was at rock bottom heading home. I was needing accountability partner at work. I was reflecting to myself of how to be a better co-worker. Reminding myself to keep things to myself at work. Most importantly, how to have compassion for my colleagues as well as the patients.
As I was playing back things I have done and things I could have done, I did not feel any better. So on my way home, I started conversation with the cab driver. We have been talking about Christianity for awhile. Therefore I decided to distract myself by checking with him about his curiosity.
At the end of the trip, I was so excited from explaining to him about Jesus being God and God's son. I thank God so much when I stepped in my apartment. I was so caught up by my own mistakes than asking for His forgiveness and comfort. I thank God for the lesson and courage that He gave me.
The next day, I woke up feeling absolutely horrible. It was still hurting and bothering me. I was worried about how am I representing Christ. What would people think about me when they know that I'm a Christian. Am I bringing a bad name to the Christians. At times I could not believe that I back stabbed someone else.
In relations to going into ministry, Do I still fit? What would people think of me? Would they still have trust in me? Should I change my mind now?
Then I realized, what's haunting me is not that am I a good person. I'll never be perfect, I know that. But the constant replay of memories reminds me the hurt that I caused. It also inflicted the pain of seeing myself making defenses of my mistakes. The fear of unforgiveness never seems to go away.
I had learned some very important life lessons that can be concluded by the title of this post: Christian is not connotation for Perfection.
I am young. I make mistakes. But I will learn from them.
I can apologize for my mistakes. But that does not promise that I will get forgiveness.
I can make amends for my wrongs. But I cannot take away the past.
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